BLNC-D

As early as I can remember, I've always felt disconnected, like an outsider, like I don't belong. 

 

Whether it was us moving to Sweden when I was a two-year-old girl growing up in a country that at the time was for the first time handling foreigners and always making me feel like a foreigner, I always felt like I didn't belong.

 

Growing up, I always felt like I was older than all the other kids. 

 

And this disconnection led me into wanting to belong. 

 

And in order to feel that I belong, I was constantly seeking external validation, whether it was through the acts or deeds of my parents to prove that I deserved their love, or getting the validation from teachers and peers to prove that I'm a good girl worthy of getting that support or whatever, that I belong to something.

 

I've always felt like I constantly need to prove myself in order to prove my worth to someone. 

 

And that self-worth was only quenched whenever I could get it from the external validations of others.

 

And I think that this also got enhanced growing up in the discipline of the world of dance, where you constantly need to prove yourself, you always need to be your best.

 

And I achieved a lot of success through the world of dance, but I always kept feeling empty.

 

And that emptiness, that void, it followed with me all the way into my young adult years when I started to date.

 

And it was the same thing with men. 

 

I was always trying to prove that I'm worthy of their love and affection, and basically bending over backwards, becoming something that I'm not in order to please them, to fit their criteria and their needs. 

 

And as early as I can remember, my life has always been about pleasing others, helping others to feel that I am worthy, to feel that I am loved...

 

And yes, in the beginning, it was an act from craving that I wanted to be seen, I wanted to be heard, and I wanted to be loved. 

 

But then it grew into something bigger. 

 

It grew into me wanting to fill that void with love.

 

And it was not only with external validation of other people, it was the external validation of my partners as well. 

 

And my ex-husband, who I thought, of course, that this is it, this is the love, always made me feel like I’m not enough, and it wasn't always bad.

 

Like any other marriage, any other partnership, it wasn't always bad.

 

But majority of the times, I felt like I wasn't enough. 

 

I wasn't enough for him, for myself, and I was always pushed down into being a smaller version of me. 

 

He couldn't handle me being in the spotlight, which I was, a lot, and he needed the spotlight for himself, and he did that by pushing me down, making me feel smaller.

 

And one day, after 20 years, I finally had enough. 

 

After walking on eggshells every single day, after not being able to verbally express myself, after verbal abuse and a lot of manipulation, I finally broke myself free from that, which was a prison where I couldn't be my authentic self.

 

And I chose to leave that relationship behind, and this was the first time in my life where I finally realized that I need to learn how to love myself, how to be on my own, and the most important of all, that you cannot fill the void with the love from others.

 

You need to fill the void by learning and understanding who you are, by learning to love yourself, by learning to put yourself first, without that constant nagging little voice in your head that says that you're selfish and egoistical if you do so.

 

This was the first time I chose to finally put myself first. 

 

I went to Egypt to heal, and there I learned to spend time with myself, spend time with my thoughts, process my thoughts, process the emotions for the first time, and I learned the hard way, of course, with a lot of healing, a lot of pain, that my biggest mistake in my life was that I stayed. 

 

That I always stayed in the comfort zone of what I thought was love. 

 

Because I didn't know any other way of feeling love for myself, because I never learned how to love myself. 

 

This was the first time that I started to do so.

 

I started to say no to things I don't like/want/need, I started to say yes to myself, to my own needs. 

 

I started to love myself, I started to take care of myself, I started to have self-compassion and kindness for myself, for my needs, without that guilty nagging voice.

 

When I finally chose to do so, a big, important person emerged in my life.

 

The love of my life, the man that is a nourishing and kind man that walks with me as a true partner, where we are both equal, 

 

Where we both have our own roles, but where we build our relationship together, not based on the other person's needs,

 

But based on our needs together, not minimizing who we both are, but embracing who we both are as separate and creating oneness where we both coexist.

 

And this was also very new for me. 

 

By having that nourishing aspect in my life of a love, a partnership that is equal, I continued to understand that there are so many women out there who are on the same journey as me.

 

Who are walking there not understanding who they are, thinking that they need the external validations from others.

 

To feel worthy.

 

To feel loved.

 

To be seen and heard.

 

Who are stuck in abusive relationships, or they're stuck in their own self-abuse.

 

Because to constantly prove your worth to others is self-abuse in the end.

 

Because you're not listening to yourself, 

 

You're minimizing your voice and your own authentic self, 

 

You're minimizing your own needs, and realizing that there are so many more people out there.

 

I always wanted to help people, in the beginning it was through the world of movement and fitness and health, 

 

Then I learned that in order to do so, to find that inner peace, you also need to have inner peace and calmness in your mind.

 

You also need to have that interconnectedness with your emotions, your heart.

 

And when you have that interconnectedness, the heart coherence with your body, your mind and your heart, you are your authentic self, you learn to listen to your core values and your beliefs, and you fill your cup first, before you fill the cup of others.

 

This is why I decided to share my journey and my transformation with other women, where I help women connect to their bodies, minds and hearts so they can find and live their true life's purpose!